New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
