you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
