My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
