I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
