Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
His nipple licking is glorious
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