sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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