found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
