So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
