hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
