matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
