I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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