btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
