Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just gift wrapped bread.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
3 2 1 whiskey
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
