If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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