Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
