i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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