I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
