You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
