Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
