he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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