I puked a lego.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Randomize
