there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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