Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I am naked and annoyed.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
