and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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