Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
