I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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