Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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