idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
