you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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