i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
