the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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