How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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