Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
