i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
