We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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