My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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