i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Don't tell me you're on acid again
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I woke up under a house in Key West
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