So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
