i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
