Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
