I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
