dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
