I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
