Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
