can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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