my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
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I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
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All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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