I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
