Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
The uberlube is also flammable
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
