I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
