I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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