When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
