Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
