hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(