Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
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