you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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