Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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