Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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