get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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