the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
