I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
