my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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