New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
